The Hangover

“Oh God… where is the ibuprofen?” This is a thought we have all immediately woken up with at least once, assuming you drink of course… otherwise, why are you reading this?

College teaches you many things about life. One of these things happens to be how to deal with every type of hangover you could possibly be confronted with. Here’s the basics from your friendly, collegiate, somewhat functioning alcoholic… (that’s a joke, mom if you’re reading this, THAT IS A JOKE)

Mild and manageable.

You got kind of lucky. A headache and maybe some queasiness, but all-in-all it could have been so much worse.

Cure: Drink some water, pop some Tylenol, and make it to your 9 am philosophy class.

Everything hurts.

We all know it. Stomach pains, migraine, body aches, shaking, etc. It’s awful. FYI: You’re shaking because you’re dehydrated- which means you probably didn’t drink any water last night while you were out having a good time. And you’re stomach hurts because you likely didn’t eat either.

Cure: Try and eat something with bread- like a bagel or baguette or croissant- whatever wheat you vibe with. Drink a TON of water- more than any other hangover- to help curve the nausea and get rid of the shakes. I usually sleep this one off, it’s better than staying awake through the pain.

Night owl.

It’s 7:00 AM already? Time to get ready for your 8:00 AM class? Maybe you didn’t go to sleep last night. Maybe you were just staring at the ceiling or curled up in a ball trying to get rid of the spins. But sleep was as much a stranger to you last night as that random guy buying everyone shots.

Cure 1/2: You have three options here…depending on when your last drink was you can either: 1. Wait it out for the sober train to take over and deal with the hangover as it comes. 2. Sober up fast. Because it’s an hour until class and you still can’t walk straight. Or if you’re lucky, 3. Keep drinking/sleep it off because you have nowhere to be any time soon. Lucky bastard.

Cure 2/2: The only time it will ever actually help you to drink coffee for your hangover is when you got less than 30 minutes of sleep the night prior. But be forewarned, coffee will dehydrate you. Meaning your headache will get worse and so will your inevitable hangover. Accompany it wisely- with a bucket load of water or orange juice and oh… schedule yourself a nap-time around 4-6pm because that’s when you’ll probably be crashing.

The almost blackout.

You’re playing with fire and all the shots that come with it. One too many drinks and everything after that is hazy… but at least you made it home fine.

Cure: Ask your friend how much you embarrassed yourself and move on. Drink water, eat a bagel, do whatever you need to do. Just make sure to double check your phone for that risky text you sent at 3:57 am.

The total blackout.

“Amber- how did we get home last night?” There is nothing except complete and total darkness. You don’t know what you did, where that bruise came from, why one sock is missing, or who “Chad from Sups” is. If you’re lucky you wake up with your phone in hand and cash still stuffed in your pocket and/or bra. Gradually, you start to piece it together and try and figure it all out. But then realize you don’t know how that traffic sign got into your living room.

Cure: Diligently search through yours and all of your comrades social media if you care enough to know where you went or who you did last night. Or if you’re like me, just accept that you probably gave that missing $40 to the bartender and be glad you made it back intact. Return the traffic sign if you think you know where it goes- or don’t and turn it into a wall decoration (it looks pretty retro). Prepare better next time- hide your credit card in your shoe or have your friend get you a tracking device bracelet for Christmas.

2 Days Later…

So you slept through your hangover, congratulations. You’ve also probably been declared a missing person by your friends- who haven’t seen you since you tried riding some 10 year old’s scooter home. And you might have missed a few classes because you forgot to set an alarm, or your phone died around the time you did.

Cure: Return the scooter, call your people, make sure you didn’t miss a test. Possibly go back to sleep (I would).

Where the f*** am I?

There’s grass tickling your face. And your feet…they feel like they are under water?? You open your eyes slowly. “What the-” you spit out some dirt. Then you realize… that you aren’t in Kansas anymore.

Cure: 1. Do you have your phone? 1a. No -> keep walking to the nearest building. Hopefully something will look familiar to you. Hopefully you’re in a random house instead of a back woods abandoned barn. 1b. Yes->

2. Is it dead? 2a. No-> use your snap map- google map- anything. Call someone. 2b. Yes-> refer to 1a.

3. Did you blackout? 3a. No-> Good, you can take it from here then. 3b. Yes-> refer to “The total blackout”. Maybe you should think twice about not buying that bracelet with a tracking device.

Good luck.

I would like to thank all of my mischievous, trouble-making, hilarious friends and acquaintances who have shared some of the best hangover and drunken night stories with me over the years- giving me the material to write this.


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